Friday 13 January 2012

This is it! 2012 is here.

I'm excited and terrified all at the same time. On 1 January it hit me - this is it. 2012 is here. It's now or never. I went into a state of panic. What will happen to me if I go through with this? Will it all turn out okay? Can I really do this? Can I really plunge headlong into the unknown? Can I give up a secure, stable job? Should I give up a secure, stable job? Am I being stupid?

These are the questions I grapple with. Yet, deep in my heart I know that I have to do it. If for no other reason than physically and mentally I actually can't do it anymore. I can't survive another year in this job - it will kill me. This is not melodramatic - I feel that something physically will go wrong. I am already suffering from chronic exhaustion. I am tired all the time - since September. I've just got back from 2 weeks leave and I'm still tired. I can't carry on anymore.

So putting the fear and anxiety aside, there is my trip to the US that I am very excited about!
I've cleared the first hurdle this week - my boss has signed my visa letters. YEAH! I always thought they would never agree to 2 months leave, but surprisingly he seemed agreeable to looking at working something out. So that put me in another spot - if I can get 2 months leave, should I then stay, go on my holiday and have a job to come back to? But for various reasons - one being the one above (I won't have the energy for 2 months travel if I don't take a break beforehand), I think I should stick to the plan. 

My next hurdle is getting my visa - the US is difficult and I am quite nervous about the visa interview. All my plans for this year hinges on getting that visa. I'm sure everyone will be fine, but I will only relax once I actually have the visa. Then I also need a visa for Mexico! And for that I have to go all the way to bloody Pretoria as they don't have an embassy in Cape Town. Very annoying.


So now 2012 is here and I have to start putting my plans in place. It seems unreal. I've been planning this for months and it was always something happening next year. There was always lots of time. But now all of a sudden it's upon me. It's here now. The realisation feels unreal, unbelievable. My plan was to resign end of February, leave my job end of March. February - that's next month! I don't feel ready for that. It's too soon. And its only 6 months to my trip - 6 months! One minute this all seemed far away and now it's happening. Is there anyone out there reading this who was once in a similar position and can tell me it will all work out just fine.

Nevertheless, I am super excited about my trip - I can't wait. :) It's going to be awesome! And hopefully the whole year will be awesome and this time next year I'm going to look back and say it was the best thing I ever did.