There has been nothing more scary than being a woman in her 30's and still single!! From around 35 - 37 I was in a sheer state of panic! I felt that time was running out, and it gets harder and harder to meet a decent single man without baggage (exes, kids, etc) or even one with baggage! Hell, at my age you have to have a paradigm shift in your mind and be realistic. The reality is what are the chances of meeting a single, available man in their 30's or 40's who doesn't come with baggage. So I did - I opened myself up to the idea of a man with kids, an ex-wife, etc.
I tried online dating with disastrous results - but that's a topic for a whole new post all on its own!
But by 37 after 2 years spent in panic - I decided it was time to let it go. Let go of the dream of finding a wonderful man, marriage, kids, etc. I decided to accept that this may never happen for me and just get on with living my life. I no longer searched for it. I gave up on the dream and decided to accept my lot in life. If someone comes along, GREAT! But if not, I just couldn't make myself miserable over it anymore.
And a very strange thing started to happen. The older I got, the more I attracted younger and younger guys! Well, to be honest, I don't look my age. Most people think I am around 29 - 31. So when men meet me they think I'm younger than I am. But even when they find out how old I am, it doesn't put them off because no matter my age they still find me attractive and even sexy (even though I don't often feel very sexy!).
So this, my 38th year, I found myself involved first with a 23 year old I worked with, and then recently a 25 year old. In both cases the relationship only lasted one and a half months. And in both cases, I seemed to have been too much hard work for them. Now I know that I am not easy. And I've also come to the realisation that I am rubbish at relationships, plus throw in a bit of commitment phobia - and its no wonder I cannot sustain a single relationship.
And this is the thing that gave me the push I needed to land straight on the therapist's couch! The recent 25 year old boyfriend just upped and left. Yes, pulled a runner, a disappearing act - no explanation, no reason. How does someone who was so crazy about me do that? How does someone go from not being able to get enough of you to not wanting to have anything to do with you? What did I do wrong? Was I just a fling to him - his behaviour never indicated that. So I have been left feeling hurt, rejected and completely confused. No-one has ever done that to me before - I'm still reeling from the shock of it all.
Has the 'high maintenance' difficult, demanding, critical and disapproving beast within me scared off yet another man? Why do I go into that mode in relationships?? I need answers - and I hope I get some with my newfound psychologist. I can't sabotage another relationship - because, yes I feel that I do sabotage them. I go into them with fear, and insecurity and that fearful negative energy may be what pushes them away.
Of course, on the other hand, I also know that none of my previous boyfriends was right one. And maybe when I do finally meet the right one, everything will just fall into place. Nevertheless, I still need help overcoming my fears and insecurities...
... and so this is part of the journey I'm on.
