One step closer

15 February - time is flying.
Picked up my visa today! Still hasn't quite sunk in that this is actually happening.
Visa application went so smoothly!

Nearly time to resign - yikes!

Most of January was spent in a state of panic.
Then at some point I started feeling a slight sense of calm - that I just know I doing the right thing.
Then certain events at work pissed me off so badly and just confirmed that I am doing the right thing.

February came along and I applied for my visa last week, picked it up today and now feel resigned to the path I've set before me.
I have moments where I feel calm and at peace with my decision and feel strongly it's the right thing to do. Then all that goes out the window when a panic attack hits me!

The trip itself I am very excited about! It's what happens after that that freaks me out.
Somehow I feel that something will happen over there - something will come up. I don't know why.
Everyone says I will meet someone over there. It is really strange that ALL my friends have said that. Well, a part of me also has that feeling - I don't know why, but on the other hand do not want to get any hopes up. 
At the end of it, I will probably make my way back to South Africa - no job, or man or anything! I don't know.
Yet, I can't shake the feeling that something will happen.

I can't explain that I have a gut feeling about all of this - quitting my job, taking some time off to travel and enjoy my freedom. Freedom is what I am after!!

I am setting out on a new path - so something has to come of that. I am closing one door, so that another one has the chance to open.

This is it! 2012 is here.

I'm excited and terrified all at the same time. On 1 January it hit me - this is it. 2012 is here. It's now or never. I went into a state of panic. What will happen to me if I go through with this? Will it all turn out okay? Can I really do this? Can I really plunge headlong into the unknown? Can I give up a secure, stable job? Should I give up a secure, stable job? Am I being stupid?

These are the questions I grapple with. Yet, deep in my heart I know that I have to do it. If for no other reason than physically and mentally I actually can't do it anymore. I can't survive another year in this job - it will kill me. This is not melodramatic - I feel that something physically will go wrong. I am already suffering from chronic exhaustion. I am tired all the time - since September. I've just got back from 2 weeks leave and I'm still tired. I can't carry on anymore.

So putting the fear and anxiety aside, there is my trip to the US that I am very excited about!
I've cleared the first hurdle this week - my boss has signed my visa letters. YEAH! I always thought they would never agree to 2 months leave, but surprisingly he seemed agreeable to looking at working something out. So that put me in another spot - if I can get 2 months leave, should I then stay, go on my holiday and have a job to come back to? But for various reasons - one being the one above (I won't have the energy for 2 months travel if I don't take a break beforehand), I think I should stick to the plan. 

My next hurdle is getting my visa - the US is difficult and I am quite nervous about the visa interview. All my plans for this year hinges on getting that visa. I'm sure everyone will be fine, but I will only relax once I actually have the visa. Then I also need a visa for Mexico! And for that I have to go all the way to bloody Pretoria as they don't have an embassy in Cape Town. Very annoying.


So now 2012 is here and I have to start putting my plans in place. It seems unreal. I've been planning this for months and it was always something happening next year. There was always lots of time. But now all of a sudden it's upon me. It's here now. The realisation feels unreal, unbelievable. My plan was to resign end of February, leave my job end of March. February - that's next month! I don't feel ready for that. It's too soon. And its only 6 months to my trip - 6 months! One minute this all seemed far away and now it's happening. Is there anyone out there reading this who was once in a similar position and can tell me it will all work out just fine.

Nevertheless, I am super excited about my trip - I can't wait. :) It's going to be awesome! And hopefully the whole year will be awesome and this time next year I'm going to look back and say it was the best thing I ever did.

I needed a sign - and this is it

So I have Shingles, due to stress and being run-down and my immune system being weakened. On Tuesday this rash / bumps popped out on my neck which after 2 days merged into one big blob. It wasn't clearing up and by yesterday was starting to get a bit sore and tender. So went to the doctor today, who's first question after looking at it and saying it looks like Shingles, was 'have you been stressed?'. Yes, I've been stressed for 5.5 years!! Well, 17 years in total if you add up all my years of working. But the last 5.5 years in this job has been high stress and pressure - constant, non-stop. And I'm just not cut out for that.
I have been exhausted for 2 months. I am exhausted every day. I wake up exhausted. And now this. My body is now starting to break down.
If ever there was a sign that I am doing the right thing by quitting my job, this is it.
I just can't do this anymore.  It's not worth it.

FEAR

I'm feeling anxious. Anxious about the future. Anxious about what I am going to do, and how I am going to do. Anxious, because right now I haven't got a clue. The closer the time gets to putting this decision into action, the more anxious I am getting.

I'm feeling anxious about getting a visa. I'm feeling anxious about convincing my employer to provide the letter saying I will be away for 2 months and be returning to my job, making them think I will be back when in fact I plan to resign. Feels dishonest, but it's the only way. I need them to think I plan to return to my job so that I can get the letter for the visa. It's a means to an end. I feel anxious that they won't agree to the '2 months leave'.

I can't apply for a visa until about 2 months before I leave for the US. So right now, I can't do anything. I can't do anything until I have a visa (if I get one!). That unsettles me. I want to start arranging the trip now.

I want to start formulating a plan to make some money when I come back. I would feel better if I could get the wheels in motion now.

On the other hand, I don't want to come back. I want to find a way stay. But how?

Scholarship to study maybe? I could do some journalism or animal studies?
Find a job over there while I am there - possible? I don't know.
Run away to Vegas and marry someone! HA! Unlikely!

All the uncertainty is making me feel nervous, unsettled, anxious and fearful.

The ideal solution would be to finally meet the right man, settle down and not have to worry about any of it! Not have to have the pressure of trying to make money. I honestly don't know if I have the strength for that. I am so tired as is. SO TIRED. The thought of the pressure of creating a business / income is so stressful, it makes me almost want to curl up and die. I want to pursue the things I want to do without the pressure.

The only thing that stops us from pursuing our dreams is FEAR. A four-letter word with so much control over our life. Taking risks is scary. If we knew the chance we are taking will work out, that we'd be okay - we'd jump right in. Fear of the unknown is the scariest thing. It paralyses us - it prevents us from taking the chance. We'd rather play it safe. Fear is debilitating. And right now, I AM TERRIFIED.

My future life

Last week I had another session with my psychologist. She's great. She gives me such good advice and tips. Plus she's quite inspiring. She's disabled - comes up to my hip in height and has no arms. Yet she lives a full life - qualified psychologist, drives her own car, lives on her own, has traveled overseas. She functions like a fully fledged able-bodied person! Nothing holds her back. Amazing and inspiring.

Anyway, in a previous session I was given homework. I had to write about a life I want - but write in the present tense as if it were already so.

So the night before my session I scribbled this life down on a piece of paper and took it to my session.

I thought I'd share this - put it out there. So here goes... 

• I live in the USA.
• I am a writer.
• I have written several short stories, blogs and articles.
• I freelance for a magazine.
• I work from home.
• I am writing a book.
• I own a boarding kennels.
• I am actively involved in animal issues, something I also blog about.
• I travel from time to time volunteering in various animal projects, and of course, write about it!
• I am happily married and have 2 kids.
• My husband is a Christian, tall, attractive, smart, funny, adventurous, caring and a family man.
• I live in a 4-bedroom house with a big beautiful aquatic garden and a big bathroom.
• I have a house full of pets.
• I am a housewife (yes, I write and do all the above things and hopefully make money out of it but these things are all hobbies I pursued while being a housewife).
• I have good quality friends.

I love this life - it's busy but I am happy and content.
I am fulfilled and at peace.

I cannot explain how happy I felt at the end of writing this! I love this life - I really do.

So the next step is to regularly read this and start to internalise it, visualise it and believe it.

This is the life I should be living.

I want to break free!

Pretty much sums up how I have felt most of my life!

Meet Magic

Meet Magic - my 7.5 year old grey tabby cat! Smart as a whip, curious, mischievous and spoilt rotten! Living in the lap of luxury, blissfully unaware of the thousands of animals out there who are not this privileged! :-)

Ah.... it's a cat's life