The year 2012 has been the topic of much controversy.

Some believe that the Mayans predicted that the world would end on 21 December 2012. Others disagree saying this has been taken out of context and does not mean the end of the world, but rather that a major cosmic shift and realignment of planets will occur which will have a ripple effect on earth.
Still others believe this to be one of the biggest hoaxes in history.

Another belief floating out there, is that there is a planet named Nibiru (sometimes referred to as Planet X) that orbits through our solar system once every three thousand six hundred years. While there is no definite scientific proof of this, there are those researchers who agree that there appears to be a missing planet from the orbital rotation. Some even believe that the next time this planet’s orbit is set to intersect with ours will be in the year 2012. If this orbit interferes with our solar system it could cause a lot of problems, and these issues are what some people are anticipating.

Nostradamus

Then there was good ol' Nostradamus. No major prophecy or prediction is complete without looking at what Nostradamus had to say about it.
And what he predicted is that a large comet will either strike the planet or pass very close by, causing massive earthquakes and other cataclysmic events.  This too is predicted to happen around December.

Still another theory is that 2012 brings the dawning of the Age of Aquarius. With the beginning of every new age, astrologers say this has a profound affect on humanity.
I am an Aquarian, so this is going to be 'my' age then! Bring it on!

Then there is old fashioned biblical prophecy, which is the one I'm going with.
The Bible gives many very specific signs of the end times, most of which are already in play (increase in natural disasters, increase in crime & violence, wars, famines, diseases, sexual pervasion, children ruling parents, child on child violence, environmental crisis, etc) .
Do I believe we are living in the end times - yes. Do I believe the world will end on 21 Dec 2012 - no.

But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.  Matthew 24:36

Watch you therefore: for you know not when the master of the house comes, at even, or at midnight, or at the cock-crowing, or in the morning.  Mark 13:35

Therefore be you also ready: for in such an hour as you think not the Son of man comes.  Matthew 24:44

Wait, I am getting to a point with all of this. What made me give this some thought is because 2012 seems to be a year of change. Something is happening this year, and what exactly it is, I am not sure.

I just find it very interesting and significant that so many people I know are making drastic and life-changing decisions. I am not the only crazy one.

These are friends and people I have heard of who are making life-altering changes this year:

• Fayruz - a friend of mine who is a doctor and has been working as a locum for years, has suddenly decided to step out on her own and open her own practice.
• Zhureena - who after listening to my plans to quit my job, promptly quit hers even before I did and is starting her own business. She said I inspired her!
• Steven - who since last year has been trying to get his own business going. This also borne out of the realisation that he has hated every job he ever had and would rather do his own thing.
• Lauren - an ex-colleague who is selling up all her stuff to go off and travel the world! Awesome stuff!
• Lara - who is embarking on her epic journey to climb Mount Kilimanjaro, raising funds for Cystic Fibrosis and put it all out there by starting a blog! More awesome stuff!
• Bonnie - my American friend who has been a teacher for 16 years and has been informed her contract will come to an end in June. After years of problems at various schools, she finally feels it may be time to forge a new path and leave traditional teaching behind.  The 'unknown' awaits her as well.
• Tamara - my Belgium friend who has been ill with Fibromyalgia and ME (myalgic encephalomyelitis) or as it's more commonly known as 'Chronic Fatigue Syndrome', has not been able to work for a year. She is slowly recovering and this year she too will be trying to find a way to a new career.
• Bernell - my cousin living in the USA has just lost his job due to company lay-offs. An unsettling time but also a good time to possibly consider relocating and starting afresh somewhere else. Another one facing the 'unknown' and new opportunties.
• Moira - another friend in the USA who has lost her job. Another one facing new challenges!

Just coincidence? Or is it that along with the purported realignment of planets, some of us are feeling the shift in our own personal lives as well?

Whatever it is, 2012 seems to be the year of change!  All aboard! Let's see where this train takes us!

Climbing mountains one step at a time

Mt Kilimanjaro

One of my colleagues is blogging about her epic journey to summit Mount Kilimanjaro in Tanzania, the highest mountain in Africa and the fourth highest in the world. Wow - now that's inspiring!
She and a friend are currently preparing for this experience which will happen in July. She is doing all of this and using it as an opportunity to raise funds for the South African Cystic Fibrosis Trust in memory of a friend who passed away from this debalitating disease. Follow her journey at  http://walking4air.wordpress.com/

What an inspiration! The thing about Lara is she has this incredible lust for life, an enthusiasm and positive energy that just astounds me. I want to be like that!

I have what my psychologist terms a 'depressive personality', so being positive and upbeat does not always come easy to me, and to be honest naturally cheerful, positive, upbeat people like Lara sometimes just downright get on my nerves. I want to scream at them, "Oh for goodness sake, will ya have a bad day just once!" It just isn't normal to be SO happy ALL the time! Is it?

So part of this journey I am on is going to involve trying to become excited about life again. I was once that way, but something inside me died the day I first walked into a 9-5, cubicle job. As time progressed and I found myself on a career path that I found boring and that did not stimulate or fulfil me, my spirit died.

I do remember a time I was filled with enthusiasm, energy, spirit and fire. Yes, I was once that person. I had drive, I was a go-getter, the world was my oyster. Slowly the fire went out. It is amazing how not living authentically and following your true purpose can kill you. Being the living dead is worse than actually being dead.

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live.'   Norman Cousins - Quoted in History of Sikh Struggles (1989) by Gurmit Singh, p. 189

So I need to get excited about life again! Since I resigned I have to say that for the first time in 18 years I feel alive again! The next day I felt free, liberated, calm. It was like the world looked new - I looked out my apartment window at the sea and mountain and the colours seemed brighter.
Despite the uncertainty of what lies ahead, I have an inexplicable excitement about my new life. I just have this good feeling in the pit of stomach - something good is on its way, I can feel it. I am feeling so excited at the new possibilities. I cannot explain why, but since I handed in my resignation and it became 'real', the unknown has gone from being something scary to something exciting. All of a sudden not knowing what awaits me on this path is thrilling!

I want to capitalise on this new feeling. I want to try living in the moment, something that I find very hard to do. I want to stop worrying about the future, stressing about problems that haven't yet happened. I want to throw myself into this journey having absolute faith in the fact that things will all work out for the best and that better things are in store for me. I want to go forward exuding positive energy which will attract positive things.

Will I falter at times? Definitely. Will anxiety creep in sometimes? Absolutely. Will I have my 'down' days? I have no doubt I will. But baby steps are required. Slowly but surely I will keep practising positive thinking. I will have faith.

I will start changing my way of thinking from today.  Lara has a physical mountain to climb, I have a mental one. Both of us are on an epic journey in very different ways.

Done - resigned!

So D-day arrived yesterday. I did it - I resigned.

The day before, my boss was interviewing a possible temp to relieve me when I go on my 2-month holiday and my colleague who goes on maternity leave when I would get back to work. That took me by surprise a bit. I was planning on resigning on Friday, but then on Monday decided to tell her the next day (yesterday) rather than have continue planning for my 'leave'.

Monday it all hit me quite hard - I felt very emotional. 6 years of my life has been spent in that place. That's a long time. It feels unreal that it's all coming to an end. But at the same time I am so ready to leave it all behind.

Yesterday I felt calmer. When I explained to my boss why I'm resigning, she said was happy for me. Happy that I made the decision because she knows I was never happy. She said she has so much respect for me having made the decision and admires my courage and says that it will all work out.

Once it was over and done with, I felt so much better. I've been in limbo for months and now it's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel free! I feel lighter. I feel happy. Now I can get on with the rest of my life.

I was so tired last night - emotionally drained, that I fell asleep at around 6:30pm and slept right through. 12 hrs of sleep! It was the most amazing sleep ever - the sleep of a free woman!

Joyfear

I'm feeling good today. I'm feeling positive and excited about the future.
I vary between sheer terror and excitement about the future. I wish it could just stick to one emotion! This see-sawing is exhausting.

I read a term another blogger used to describe this mix of emotions - Joyfear. Excitement and exhilaration mixed with sheer terror! That about sums it up for me. What a weird emotion!  http://www.pocketchanged.com/2011/09/06/i-quit-my-job/

http://zenhabits.net/joyfear/

But today - is a good day. :)

One step closer

15 February - time is flying.
Picked up my visa today! Still hasn't quite sunk in that this is actually happening.
Visa application went so smoothly!

Nearly time to resign - yikes!

Most of January was spent in a state of panic.
Then at some point I started feeling a slight sense of calm - that I just know I doing the right thing.
Then certain events at work pissed me off so badly and just confirmed that I am doing the right thing.

February came along and I applied for my visa last week, picked it up today and now feel resigned to the path I've set before me.
I have moments where I feel calm and at peace with my decision and feel strongly it's the right thing to do. Then all that goes out the window when a panic attack hits me!

The trip itself I am very excited about! It's what happens after that that freaks me out.
Somehow I feel that something will happen over there - something will come up. I don't know why.
Everyone says I will meet someone over there. It is really strange that ALL my friends have said that. Well, a part of me also has that feeling - I don't know why, but on the other hand do not want to get any hopes up. 
At the end of it, I will probably make my way back to South Africa - no job, or man or anything! I don't know.
Yet, I can't shake the feeling that something will happen.

I can't explain that I have a gut feeling about all of this - quitting my job, taking some time off to travel and enjoy my freedom. Freedom is what I am after!!

I am setting out on a new path - so something has to come of that. I am closing one door, so that another one has the chance to open.

This is it! 2012 is here.

I'm excited and terrified all at the same time. On 1 January it hit me - this is it. 2012 is here. It's now or never. I went into a state of panic. What will happen to me if I go through with this? Will it all turn out okay? Can I really do this? Can I really plunge headlong into the unknown? Can I give up a secure, stable job? Should I give up a secure, stable job? Am I being stupid?

These are the questions I grapple with. Yet, deep in my heart I know that I have to do it. If for no other reason than physically and mentally I actually can't do it anymore. I can't survive another year in this job - it will kill me. This is not melodramatic - I feel that something physically will go wrong. I am already suffering from chronic exhaustion. I am tired all the time - since September. I've just got back from 2 weeks leave and I'm still tired. I can't carry on anymore.

So putting the fear and anxiety aside, there is my trip to the US that I am very excited about!
I've cleared the first hurdle this week - my boss has signed my visa letters. YEAH! I always thought they would never agree to 2 months leave, but surprisingly he seemed agreeable to looking at working something out. So that put me in another spot - if I can get 2 months leave, should I then stay, go on my holiday and have a job to come back to? But for various reasons - one being the one above (I won't have the energy for 2 months travel if I don't take a break beforehand), I think I should stick to the plan. 

My next hurdle is getting my visa - the US is difficult and I am quite nervous about the visa interview. All my plans for this year hinges on getting that visa. I'm sure everyone will be fine, but I will only relax once I actually have the visa. Then I also need a visa for Mexico! And for that I have to go all the way to bloody Pretoria as they don't have an embassy in Cape Town. Very annoying.


So now 2012 is here and I have to start putting my plans in place. It seems unreal. I've been planning this for months and it was always something happening next year. There was always lots of time. But now all of a sudden it's upon me. It's here now. The realisation feels unreal, unbelievable. My plan was to resign end of February, leave my job end of March. February - that's next month! I don't feel ready for that. It's too soon. And its only 6 months to my trip - 6 months! One minute this all seemed far away and now it's happening. Is there anyone out there reading this who was once in a similar position and can tell me it will all work out just fine.

Nevertheless, I am super excited about my trip - I can't wait. :) It's going to be awesome! And hopefully the whole year will be awesome and this time next year I'm going to look back and say it was the best thing I ever did.

I needed a sign - and this is it

So I have Shingles, due to stress and being run-down and my immune system being weakened. On Tuesday this rash / bumps popped out on my neck which after 2 days merged into one big blob. It wasn't clearing up and by yesterday was starting to get a bit sore and tender. So went to the doctor today, who's first question after looking at it and saying it looks like Shingles, was 'have you been stressed?'. Yes, I've been stressed for 5.5 years!! Well, 17 years in total if you add up all my years of working. But the last 5.5 years in this job has been high stress and pressure - constant, non-stop. And I'm just not cut out for that.
I have been exhausted for 2 months. I am exhausted every day. I wake up exhausted. And now this. My body is now starting to break down.
If ever there was a sign that I am doing the right thing by quitting my job, this is it.
I just can't do this anymore.  It's not worth it.