FEAR

I'm feeling anxious. Anxious about the future. Anxious about what I am going to do, and how I am going to do. Anxious, because right now I haven't got a clue. The closer the time gets to putting this decision into action, the more anxious I am getting.

I'm feeling anxious about getting a visa. I'm feeling anxious about convincing my employer to provide the letter saying I will be away for 2 months and be returning to my job, making them think I will be back when in fact I plan to resign. Feels dishonest, but it's the only way. I need them to think I plan to return to my job so that I can get the letter for the visa. It's a means to an end. I feel anxious that they won't agree to the '2 months leave'.

I can't apply for a visa until about 2 months before I leave for the US. So right now, I can't do anything. I can't do anything until I have a visa (if I get one!). That unsettles me. I want to start arranging the trip now.

I want to start formulating a plan to make some money when I come back. I would feel better if I could get the wheels in motion now.

On the other hand, I don't want to come back. I want to find a way stay. But how?

Scholarship to study maybe? I could do some journalism or animal studies?
Find a job over there while I am there - possible? I don't know.
Run away to Vegas and marry someone! HA! Unlikely!

All the uncertainty is making me feel nervous, unsettled, anxious and fearful.

The ideal solution would be to finally meet the right man, settle down and not have to worry about any of it! Not have to have the pressure of trying to make money. I honestly don't know if I have the strength for that. I am so tired as is. SO TIRED. The thought of the pressure of creating a business / income is so stressful, it makes me almost want to curl up and die. I want to pursue the things I want to do without the pressure.

The only thing that stops us from pursuing our dreams is FEAR. A four-letter word with so much control over our life. Taking risks is scary. If we knew the chance we are taking will work out, that we'd be okay - we'd jump right in. Fear of the unknown is the scariest thing. It paralyses us - it prevents us from taking the chance. We'd rather play it safe. Fear is debilitating. And right now, I AM TERRIFIED.

My future life

Last week I had another session with my psychologist. She's great. She gives me such good advice and tips. Plus she's quite inspiring. She's disabled - comes up to my hip in height and has no arms. Yet she lives a full life - qualified psychologist, drives her own car, lives on her own, has traveled overseas. She functions like a fully fledged able-bodied person! Nothing holds her back. Amazing and inspiring.

Anyway, in a previous session I was given homework. I had to write about a life I want - but write in the present tense as if it were already so.

So the night before my session I scribbled this life down on a piece of paper and took it to my session.

I thought I'd share this - put it out there. So here goes... 

• I live in the USA.
• I am a writer.
• I have written several short stories, blogs and articles.
• I freelance for a magazine.
• I work from home.
• I am writing a book.
• I own a boarding kennels.
• I am actively involved in animal issues, something I also blog about.
• I travel from time to time volunteering in various animal projects, and of course, write about it!
• I am happily married and have 2 kids.
• My husband is a Christian, tall, attractive, smart, funny, adventurous, caring and a family man.
• I live in a 4-bedroom house with a big beautiful aquatic garden and a big bathroom.
• I have a house full of pets.
• I am a housewife (yes, I write and do all the above things and hopefully make money out of it but these things are all hobbies I pursued while being a housewife).
• I have good quality friends.

I love this life - it's busy but I am happy and content.
I am fulfilled and at peace.

I cannot explain how happy I felt at the end of writing this! I love this life - I really do.

So the next step is to regularly read this and start to internalise it, visualise it and believe it.

This is the life I should be living.