FEAR

I'm feeling anxious. Anxious about the future. Anxious about what I am going to do, and how I am going to do. Anxious, because right now I haven't got a clue. The closer the time gets to putting this decision into action, the more anxious I am getting.

I'm feeling anxious about getting a visa. I'm feeling anxious about convincing my employer to provide the letter saying I will be away for 2 months and be returning to my job, making them think I will be back when in fact I plan to resign. Feels dishonest, but it's the only way. I need them to think I plan to return to my job so that I can get the letter for the visa. It's a means to an end. I feel anxious that they won't agree to the '2 months leave'.

I can't apply for a visa until about 2 months before I leave for the US. So right now, I can't do anything. I can't do anything until I have a visa (if I get one!). That unsettles me. I want to start arranging the trip now.

I want to start formulating a plan to make some money when I come back. I would feel better if I could get the wheels in motion now.

On the other hand, I don't want to come back. I want to find a way stay. But how?

Scholarship to study maybe? I could do some journalism or animal studies?
Find a job over there while I am there - possible? I don't know.
Run away to Vegas and marry someone! HA! Unlikely!

All the uncertainty is making me feel nervous, unsettled, anxious and fearful.

The ideal solution would be to finally meet the right man, settle down and not have to worry about any of it! Not have to have the pressure of trying to make money. I honestly don't know if I have the strength for that. I am so tired as is. SO TIRED. The thought of the pressure of creating a business / income is so stressful, it makes me almost want to curl up and die. I want to pursue the things I want to do without the pressure.

The only thing that stops us from pursuing our dreams is FEAR. A four-letter word with so much control over our life. Taking risks is scary. If we knew the chance we are taking will work out, that we'd be okay - we'd jump right in. Fear of the unknown is the scariest thing. It paralyses us - it prevents us from taking the chance. We'd rather play it safe. Fear is debilitating. And right now, I AM TERRIFIED.