I needed a sign - and this is it

So I have Shingles, due to stress and being run-down and my immune system being weakened. On Tuesday this rash / bumps popped out on my neck which after 2 days merged into one big blob. It wasn't clearing up and by yesterday was starting to get a bit sore and tender. So went to the doctor today, who's first question after looking at it and saying it looks like Shingles, was 'have you been stressed?'. Yes, I've been stressed for 5.5 years!! Well, 17 years in total if you add up all my years of working. But the last 5.5 years in this job has been high stress and pressure - constant, non-stop. And I'm just not cut out for that.
I have been exhausted for 2 months. I am exhausted every day. I wake up exhausted. And now this. My body is now starting to break down.
If ever there was a sign that I am doing the right thing by quitting my job, this is it.
I just can't do this anymore.  It's not worth it.

FEAR

I'm feeling anxious. Anxious about the future. Anxious about what I am going to do, and how I am going to do. Anxious, because right now I haven't got a clue. The closer the time gets to putting this decision into action, the more anxious I am getting.

I'm feeling anxious about getting a visa. I'm feeling anxious about convincing my employer to provide the letter saying I will be away for 2 months and be returning to my job, making them think I will be back when in fact I plan to resign. Feels dishonest, but it's the only way. I need them to think I plan to return to my job so that I can get the letter for the visa. It's a means to an end. I feel anxious that they won't agree to the '2 months leave'.

I can't apply for a visa until about 2 months before I leave for the US. So right now, I can't do anything. I can't do anything until I have a visa (if I get one!). That unsettles me. I want to start arranging the trip now.

I want to start formulating a plan to make some money when I come back. I would feel better if I could get the wheels in motion now.

On the other hand, I don't want to come back. I want to find a way stay. But how?

Scholarship to study maybe? I could do some journalism or animal studies?
Find a job over there while I am there - possible? I don't know.
Run away to Vegas and marry someone! HA! Unlikely!

All the uncertainty is making me feel nervous, unsettled, anxious and fearful.

The ideal solution would be to finally meet the right man, settle down and not have to worry about any of it! Not have to have the pressure of trying to make money. I honestly don't know if I have the strength for that. I am so tired as is. SO TIRED. The thought of the pressure of creating a business / income is so stressful, it makes me almost want to curl up and die. I want to pursue the things I want to do without the pressure.

The only thing that stops us from pursuing our dreams is FEAR. A four-letter word with so much control over our life. Taking risks is scary. If we knew the chance we are taking will work out, that we'd be okay - we'd jump right in. Fear of the unknown is the scariest thing. It paralyses us - it prevents us from taking the chance. We'd rather play it safe. Fear is debilitating. And right now, I AM TERRIFIED.

My future life

Last week I had another session with my psychologist. She's great. She gives me such good advice and tips. Plus she's quite inspiring. She's disabled - comes up to my hip in height and has no arms. Yet she lives a full life - qualified psychologist, drives her own car, lives on her own, has traveled overseas. She functions like a fully fledged able-bodied person! Nothing holds her back. Amazing and inspiring.

Anyway, in a previous session I was given homework. I had to write about a life I want - but write in the present tense as if it were already so.

So the night before my session I scribbled this life down on a piece of paper and took it to my session.

I thought I'd share this - put it out there. So here goes... 

• I live in the USA.
• I am a writer.
• I have written several short stories, blogs and articles.
• I freelance for a magazine.
• I work from home.
• I am writing a book.
• I own a boarding kennels.
• I am actively involved in animal issues, something I also blog about.
• I travel from time to time volunteering in various animal projects, and of course, write about it!
• I am happily married and have 2 kids.
• My husband is a Christian, tall, attractive, smart, funny, adventurous, caring and a family man.
• I live in a 4-bedroom house with a big beautiful aquatic garden and a big bathroom.
• I have a house full of pets.
• I am a housewife (yes, I write and do all the above things and hopefully make money out of it but these things are all hobbies I pursued while being a housewife).
• I have good quality friends.

I love this life - it's busy but I am happy and content.
I am fulfilled and at peace.

I cannot explain how happy I felt at the end of writing this! I love this life - I really do.

So the next step is to regularly read this and start to internalise it, visualise it and believe it.

This is the life I should be living.

I want to break free!

Pretty much sums up how I have felt most of my life!

Meet Magic

Meet Magic - my 7.5 year old grey tabby cat! Smart as a whip, curious, mischievous and spoilt rotten! Living in the lap of luxury, blissfully unaware of the thousands of animals out there who are not this privileged! :-)

Ah.... it's a cat's life



This is not monkey business!

It's been a week of inspiration! I haven't been this motivated in a long time!

I read up on other people who have quit their jobs to follow their dreams - so inspiring! If they could do it, so can I! Yes, it can be done - with a bit of a plan and some money to tide one over until you can make some money doing your 'passions'. It is never easy to take this kind of plunge - but I've discovered so many like me - people who hated their jobs and were miserable. People who felt a calling to make a change in their life, change direction and have never looked back. It's still scary - but I feel a bit more reassured that I can take on this challenge.

In addition, I received feedback from a Primates Sanctuary in The Netherlands about my application to do volunteer work there next year (after my USA trip). They are happy for me to come and volunteer! Wooo-hoo! There's just one little problem. I would need a letter from my employer saying I am returning to my job for my Schengen visa. And I won't have a job, so I doubt I will get a visa. :(  How do I get around this? Another reason I hate living in South Africa. Other countries are always so wary of anyone from the african continent visiting their country, that they put you through the ringer to get a visa. One always has to prove you are going back to your miserable little country in Africa! Even Mexico (another third world country) wants proof we will not stay in their country!

I don't know how I am going to get a visa, but I would love to go.
Here's a link to their website:  http://www.aap.nl/english/index.php

AAP Sanctuary for Exotic Animals is a European rescue centre and sanctuary for primates and other exotic mammals. Based in the Netherlands, AAP house animals from all over Europe. These animals have been confiscated, abandoned or offered by private owners as a result of illegal trade, were being exhibited in illegal zoos or used in biomedical research or the entertainment industry.

AAP specialises in housing primates, but other small, non-domesticated mammals, such as raccoons, skunks and prairie dogs, also find shelter at the centre. Many of the animals have a history of abuse and neglect. At AAP they receive the professional care needed for their physical and mental recovery. After a careful process of rehabilitation, long-term solutions are sought through outplacement. They aim to outplace animals in relatively natural environments, such as renowned zoos and animal parks.

Look for opportunities and you will find them! This is what I'm learning.

2012 - The year my life will change forever!

Following the drama of 2 weeks ago, life has gone back to normal.

Knowing that I am not about to face a life-altering change, I got back to the business of planning my USA trip and looking for opportunities in the animal field with fevour!

My plan for 2012.

• Resign from my mind-numbing job.
• Travel to the USA and spend about 2 months there.
• And go about the business of following my passion, which is a combination of three things: animals, writing and travel.

Animals, writing and travel - none of these things will make me much money! And therein lies the problem. So when I come back to South Africa - what then? I know I don't want to continue working the way I have been and I will not have a job to come back to, so when the money runs out - what then?? How do I get to do the things I love and make a living out of it?? This is the scary part. And I cannot lie - I am terrified! I am taking a big risk. But then lots of people have done just that - quit their jobs to follow their passion and never looked back.

In Oprah's final show, she encouraged everyone to "Find your passion and get about the business of doing it!"

Oh Oprah, my dear, you make it sound so easy!!

But Oprah is right. It may not be easy. But only when we are doing what we are meant to be doing with our life, are we really happy, fulfilled and content. And as Oprah says, everyone has a purpose and something they are meant to be doing. We have all been given different gifts, talents and passions and God expects us to use those talents and gifts - that's why he gave them to us. We become unhappy, miserable and dead inside when we are stuck doing something we should not be doing. Ask me - I've been dead for years - I tap my wrist searching for a pulse - NO PULSE!  I am the living dead. People who are following their passions have a light that shines from them - they are ALIVE! I long to be alive again.

Wise people say, once you start to follow your passion, money will come. Yes, it may be a struggle in the beginning, but once you start opening yourself up to the things you are meant to do, opportunities come and doors start to open and eventually money comes. I damn-well hope so!!

So, my trip to the USA will involve visiting friends and family and doing lots of sightseeing and I am super excited! Even a short trip to Mexico is on the cards!

But once done visiting friends and family, I would like to volunteer and spend time at an animal organisation / sanctuary. I found a great one - Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Kanab, Utah.

After stumbling across the website, I then discovered they have a Veterinary Technician program for students currently studying, an internship doing general animal care and volunteering. First prize for me would have been the Veterinary Technician program as I did study a Diploma in Animal Health and would love to do some hands-on Vet work. But because I am not a current student and do not have 3 months hands-on experience in a Clinic, they won't accept me for that. However, I can do the 4-week internship. Whoo-hoo! So Utah here I come!

I am little worried about being in the Utah dessert at the tail end of summer as I don't cope well with heat! But oh well...!

Click on the links (in blue) in this post for some info on this awesome animal sanctuary.
Or go to http://www.bestfriends.org/

If you love animals - consider supporting or donating to this wonderful organisation! There's a branch in Los Angeles as well.

Here's a video clip of Dogtown at Best Friends!

38 and Single!

There has been nothing more scary than being a woman in her 30's and still single!! From around 35 - 37 I was in a sheer state of panic! I felt that time was running out, and it gets harder and harder to meet a decent single man without baggage (exes, kids, etc) or even one with baggage! Hell, at my age you have to have a paradigm shift in your mind and be realistic. The reality is what are the chances of meeting a single, available man in their 30's or 40's who doesn't come with baggage. So I did - I opened myself up to the idea of a man with kids, an ex-wife, etc.

I tried online dating with disastrous results - but that's a topic for a whole new post all on its own!

But by 37 after 2 years spent in panic - I decided it was time to let it go. Let go of the dream of finding a wonderful man, marriage, kids, etc. I decided to accept that this may never happen for me and just get on with living my life. I no longer searched for it. I gave up on the dream and decided to accept my lot in life. If someone comes along, GREAT! But if not, I just couldn't make myself miserable over it anymore.

And a very strange thing started to happen. The older I got, the more I attracted younger and younger guys! Well, to be honest, I don't look my age. Most people think I am around 29 - 31. So when men meet me they think I'm younger than I am. But even when they find out how old I am, it doesn't put them off because no matter my age they still find me attractive and even sexy (even though I don't often feel very sexy!).

So this, my 38th year, I found myself involved first with a 23 year old I worked with, and then recently a 25 year old. In both cases the relationship only lasted one and a half months. And in both cases, I seemed to have been too much hard work for them. Now I know that I am not easy. And I've also come to the realisation that I am rubbish at relationships, plus throw in a bit of commitment phobia - and its no wonder I cannot sustain a single relationship.

And this is the thing that gave me the push I needed to land straight on the therapist's couch! The recent 25 year old boyfriend just upped and left. Yes, pulled a runner, a disappearing act - no explanation, no reason. How does someone who was so crazy about me do that? How does someone go from not being able to get enough of you to not wanting to have anything to do with you? What did I do wrong? Was I just a fling to him - his behaviour never indicated that. So I have been left feeling hurt, rejected and completely confused. No-one has ever done that to me before - I'm still reeling from the shock of it all.

Has the 'high maintenance' difficult, demanding, critical and disapproving beast within me scared off yet another man? Why do I go into that mode in relationships?? I need answers - and I hope I get some with my newfound psychologist. I can't sabotage another relationship - because, yes I feel that I do sabotage them. I go into them with fear, and insecurity and that fearful negative energy may be what pushes them away.
Of course, on the other hand, I also know that none of my previous boyfriends was right one. And maybe when I do finally meet the right one, everything will just fall into place. Nevertheless, I still need help overcoming my fears and insecurities...

... and so this is part of the journey I'm on.

Here I am

Today I had my first session with a psychologist - big bold step for me. In this session, my therapist suggested starting a blog. I love writing, I find it therapeutic so she suggested I start a blog. Hmm... a blog, I thought. That's a good idea - why didn't I think of that. I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life - why not document your journey, she said. It might resonate with other people out there going through similar experiences.


So what if no-one reads it or finds it interesting. I'll do it for no other reason, than to just write about how I'm feeling, my challenges, my frustrations, happiness and unhappiness - my own little bit of therapy at home!